Think back to when you were growing up, and all the times
when you felt self-doubt, confusion, and frustration. It's
tough growing up! You can help your children get through the
bumps and bruises of childhood by simply being there for
them. Children need to know that when the whole world feels
like it's crashing down around them, they have one safe,
secure place to go, and one bottomless source of
unconditional love.
Listening is as much a skill as giving a speech is a skill.
It's not just a matter of picking up sounds: active
listening involves an array of behaviors that express your
attention, empathy, and respect. Listening to your children
in this way will go far toward convincing them of your
unconditional love. Keep these guidelines in mind when your
child has something important to say to you:
1. Put down your paper or dishtowel. Shut off the TV.
Maintain as much eye contact as your child seems comfortable
with. Make body contact, such as a hand to the shoulder, if
that seems appropriate. Often, when children are trying to
express a problem, thought or concern, their parents say
they are listening, but half of their attention is somewhere
else. You can't con a child this way. Typically, a few
minutes of sincere, attentive listening is worth more than
an hour of letting your child talk while you carry on with
another activity.
2. Don't rush to jump in with solutions, ideas or lectures.
Often, children just need a sounding board. They need
another person listening to give them an opportunity to
figure out exactly what they want to do. Solving your
child's problem may give you the relief of ending his or her
discomfort; but, in the long term, it's worth far more to
them to get the support they need to formulate solutions on
their own.
3. Demonstrate that you're listening by asking appropriate
questions and making "listening" sounds such as: "Hmmm,"
"Oh," "Really?" "Darn!" "Wow!"
4. Validates your child's fears and feelings. When our
children come to us with negative emotions, it's far too
tempting to minimize them: "Oh, don't worry about it."
"There's nothing to be afraid of." These comments do much
more harm than good. It's important for children to learn to
trust their own feelings and to listen to them. By brushing
them off, you're giving your child the message that his or
her feelings are wrong or unimportant. You can validate your
child's feelings instead with such comments as, "That sounds
embarrassing." "It can hurt to feel left out." "That must be
frustrating."
5. Help your child to focus on possible solutions, rather
than getting mired in the problem. If the situation isn't
one that can be solvedÑif it's a condition rather than a
problemÑencourage your child to express his or her feelings
fully, and then move on. Help your child use forward
thinking phrases like, "I bet you wish . . ." or "Wouldn't
it be nice if . . ." or "What do you think you'll do now?"
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including "Kid Cooperation", "Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary
of 1,000 Parenting Tips", and also "Hidden Messages", her most recent book. Introductions in all three of her books have been written by William Sears, MD.
Elizabeth is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. A regular radio show guest, she has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman's Day magazines.
This article was excerpted with permission by New Harbinger Publications,
Inc.
From Kid Cooperation, How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to
Cooperate by Elizabeth Pantley
copyright 1996
