Webster defines "respect" as "to show honor or esteem for.
To treat with deference and regard." Implied in this
definition is the fact that respect must be earned, and is
given from the heart. Often I encounter parents who
complain about their child's lack of respect for them, only
to hear them turn around and screech at the same child,
"Stop it! What is the matter with you? You're behaving like
a wild animal!" Since children learn what they live, I have
witnessed the reason this child shows the parent no respect.
So, how can we raise respectful children?
Teach through actions.
"Do as I say, not as I do" sounds like a fun idea, but as a
parenting tool it rarely (if ever) works. You are your
child's first and most important teacher. Just as children
learn to talk by listening to us talk, they learn how to
treat others by following our lead. Watch how you treat,
not only your kids, but other people you come in contact
with during your day. What are you teaching your kids?
Teach more than just manners.
"Thank you, Mrs. Pantley." can be said as a polite
compliment, or can be said with sarcasm and attitude fit for
a back alley. When we teach our children manners we must
also discuss the not-so-obvious details. Such as looking
someone in the eye, using a polite tone of voice, and using
real words (such as 'yes' instead of 'uh huh'!) These are
not things our kids are born knowing. We need to teach
these important facets of good manners.
Provide positive and consistent discipline.
Parents with knowledge and skills to tackle the job of
raising children will find it easier to raise respectful
children. When you have good parenting skills you will find
that discipline is an easy task. This means reading a few
good books or taking a parenting class to help you maintain
control of the parent-child relationship in a way that
fosters respect in the family.
Be firm but fair.
Letting kids get away with bad behavior only breeds more of
the same. Make sure your kids know the rules of the family
and that you discipline appropriately when rules are broken.
Firm and fair discipline is not haphazard and does not
change depending on your mood. It requires a consistency
that your kids can count on. (They may not like it, but
they can count on it!) I've heard it said that it's not the
severity of a consequence that makes it effective, but the
certainty of it. When your kids know exactly what your
expectations are, and that there will be a penalty for
failing to meet those expectations, they will more likely
behave in an appropriate manner.
Praise good behavior.
Your praise and encouragement have a tremendous impact on
your child. "Praise" messages are not all verbal, either.
An OK hand signal, a wink, a smile, a hug. All these speak
volumes to a child who has just done something right. These
positive messages reinforce a child's goodness, and
encourage more of the same positive behavior.
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including "Kid Cooperation", "Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary
of 1,000 Parenting Tips", and also "Hidden Messages", her most recent book. Introductions in all three of her books have been written by William Sears, MD.
Elizabeth is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. A regular radio show guest, she has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman's Day magazines.
This article was reprinted by permission of Elizabeth Pantley, author of
Parent Tips, Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation -
Copyright 1999
