In my house, my father had a belt hanging on a hook in the
kitchen. It was a visible reminder to be good or to be put
over his knee. We were all afraid of that belt. One day, my
father couldn't find it. Eventually it was found - in the
trashcan - where my little sister, then age six, had decided
it would be a better place for it! She was due for a
spanking and was trying to avoid it. Once discovered, she
knew her spanking would be worse than ever. When my father
put her over his knee he noticed that her little rear end
had been replaced by a large lumpy surface - wadded up towels
in her underpants! Boy did he get angry! He pulled out the
towels, pulled down her pants, and proceeded to hit her. I
can still remember the welts on her bottom after her bare
skin was hit with that belt. I remember thinking, "Yuk!" As
a mother with four children of my own, the memory brings
tears to my eyes. The odd thing about this story is that
both my sister and I remember the spanking; but neither of
us can recall what the behavior was that caused it. We know
that our father must have been trying to teach a lesson. The
lesson, however, has been lost. The memory of the spanking
is all that remains.
Our parents punished us the same way in which they were
punished. And their parents punished them the same way in
which our grandparents were punished as children. After all,
we learn what we live. We tend to parent the way we were
parented. Somewhere along the line parents need to stop the
pattern. They need to evaluate their child-rearing methods,
especially checking for those destructive practices that
they may be following simply out of habit. Parents need to
research the current data, analyze their current parenting
results and continually look for better answers.
I have four great kids. They are respectful, responsible,
well-behaved and just plain great kids. I don't believe in
spanking, and have used only positive, loving discipline
with them. Parents often ask me whether they should spank
their children or not. When looking at the issue of
spanking, I urge them to consider the following:
1. Spanking does nothing to teach a child to develop inner
discipline. A child's focus is on the spanking itself, not
on a review of the behavior that led to it. After a
spanking, a child does not sit in his room and think, "Gee,
I sure goofed. But I really learned something. Next time
I'll behave." Instead a child is typically thinking, "It's
not fair! She doesn't understand! I hate her"
2. Spanking is seen as punishment for a crime, payment for a
debt. In other words, once paid, they have a clean slate.
Spanking gets in the way of allowing a child to develop a
conscience. The guilt that follows misbehavior is a prime
motivator for change. Spanking takes away the guilt,
because the crime has been paid for.
3. Spanking makes the parent feel better. When we get
angry, we move into the "fight or flight" mode. Our
adrenaline increases, and we have a primitive need to strike
out. Hitting releases this negative energy, and helps us
feel better. But even a minor spanking can escalate into
major abuse. Parents have reported that during the heat of
the moment it's hard to stop hitting, and some say that they
don't even realize how hard they've hit until they see the
bruise.
4. Parents who spank sometimes come to rely upon spanking as
their primary source of discipline. If you give yourself
permission to spank, it becomes a quick fix for all kinds of
problems; it blocks off the effective use of other more
productive skills.
5. Spanking gets in the way of a healthy parent-child
relationship. Children look up to their parents as
protectors, teachers, and guides. When a parent breaks that
pattern by hitting a child, the relationship suffers.
6. Spanking is not an effective form of discipline. Hitting
a child typically stops a behavior at that point because of
shock, fear or pain. But most children turn around and repeat the same behavior - sometimes even the same day!
7. Spanking is not humane or Christian behavior. I know
there are many Christian families that believe in spanking.
They often quote to me from the Bible, "Spare the rod and
spoil the child". Now, I am not an expert on the Bible, but
I am a Christian, and from that position only do I give you
this opinion. I believe that the "rod" as referred to here
mean a tool of discipline. In the days of the Bible, a shepherd used a "rod" to guide his
sheep - he did not hit them with it. His rod was seen as a symbol
of his authority over the animals, not a tool to cause them pain.
I also ask you these questions: If God walked into your home
today and saw your child misbehave, would he hit your child? I
would say definitely not! Would he discipline your child? Would
he teach your child? Would he guide your child? I would say yes,
absolutely!
8. Spanking does teach a lesson. The lesson is: "When you don't
know what else to do, hit!" or "When you're bigger you can hit."
Or "When you're really angry you can get your way by hitting."
It's common knowledge that children who are frequently hit are
more likely to accept the use of violence, and are more likely to
hit other children. It only makes sense, because, after all,
children learn what they live. Children who are spanked often
have more resentment and anger, and lower self-esteem.
Even with these points in mind I've read several articles that
address the issue of spanking where the writer says it's okay to
spank if the child is in danger, for instance if a toddler is
running into the street, or reaching out to touch a hot burner on
the stove. They suggest that at these times a few pops on the
rear end are okay. I must admit this naive mindset baffles me.
Why in the world would be want to teach our children about safety
by hurting them? Does your ski instructor jab you with his ski
pole to tach you not to jump off the chairlift?
A parent who believes that spanking is the only effective
way to teach a young child about safety issues is not giving
the child enough credit. Children even little ones - can indeed learn about safety through our teaching them. As a matter of fact,
through teaching they will learn much more, as they can absorb the reason for the rule, and over time,
can learn to make good decisions on their own. I watched two friends one summer teach their toddlers
not to run in the street. Mom A gave her toddler a swat on the rear every time he went in to the street.
Mom B picked up her toddler, looked him in the eye, and said, "NO street! Dangerous. Stay by Mommy."
By the end of the summer, both children learned to stay out of the street. Which child understood why?
And which child has better communication with his mother?
Positive, respectful, consistent discipline is the real key
to raising well-behaved children.
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including "Kid Cooperation", "Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary
of 1,000 Parenting Tips", and also "Hidden Messages", her most recent book. Introductions in all three of her books have been written by William Sears, MD.
Elizabeth is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. A regular radio show guest, she has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman's Day magazines.
Excerpted with permission by New Harbinger Publications,
Inc.
from Kid Cooperation,
How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to
Cooperate by Elizabeth Pantley
copyright 1996
